To Wish Impossible Things

I read an article the other day about people that followed their passions for a career. It made me think about my own life how I always say I want to do all of these wonderful things, but unfortunately never follow through with them. Now that I’m writing more and rediscovering my love for music, I’m thinking again about what it is that I truly would like to do in life.

A lot of people ask me if I can play an instrument since I come from such a musical family. My dad tried to teach me how to play the guitar when I was about 15 years old. He “gave” (more like loaned) me his cream white Gibson Melody Maker with chrome Bigsby vibrato. It was a great and beautiful first, and last, guitar. He taught me 3 chords. My fingers just didn’t want to cooperate. At least that is what I told my father when I said, “it’s too hard, you’re a natural, I’ll never play like that”. I got the “you have to practice” lecture more than once, but eventually the guitar just went back into its Union Jack flag and Cure sticker laden case. Besides, it looked much cooler holding up my wall as opposed to hanging around my neck. When you grow up with someone as talented as my father was when it came to playing the guitar, you have two choices: 1) realize your potential and practice every day and night until your fingers bleed, or 2) give up and quit. I chose option two but I certainly don’t regret it.

By that point, I think I had been to about 3 or 4 concerts that year in 1994-95. I saw major productions at Rice Stadium, the building formerly known as the Houston Summit, and a few smaller shows at Astro Arena. While I was always in awe at the racks of Gibson Les Pauls and Fender Stratocasters poised perfectly on stage waiting to be played that evening, I was more awestruck by the production as a whole. Everything from the music being played while concertgoers filled the seats to the stage setup to the merchandise being sold made me realize something. Someone had to think of all of this and put it all together. And while I was waiting for a show to start one night at the age of 15, it occurred to me that my love for music didn’t necessarily mean I needed to play an instrument or be in a band. I realized that I wanted to be in charge of it. All of it. The whole show. I wanted to be the gatekeeper as to who was allowed backstage. I wanted to fix whatever mishaps might inevitably arise before a show. I wanted to sit in the sound board area and watch every show from the center of the action surrounded by the energy of the fans. The problem was I had no idea where to start. I didn’t think to take theater so I could be a part of stage crews learning the basics of set design and lighting, besides I was too busy with dance team. Instead, I thought of other options and decided that I would love to make music videos. I certainly had seen thousands over the years and was getting to the point that when I heard a song, I would start thinking of how the video would play out in my head. I found an art school and applied and was later accepted. The only problem was the art school was all the way in London! Although, not a problem for me, my dad basically said there was no way he could afford to send me to London. No problem, I thought, they have a campus in Atlanta. I’ll just go there for a year and then transfer. That wasn’t happening either. Quickly, my teenage inner voice started telling me that my hopes were over. That was it. Time to settle on something else. I didn’t fight for what I wanted. I didn’t think to just study film production here in Texas and go from there. Well, I actually did start out as a Radio-TV major when I attended Stephen F. Austin State University, but I only lasted at that school for 3 semesters before getting bored and wanting to come back home to Houston.

When I finally did go back to school years later, I realized I better choose something with more of a potential for a good future. I decided to major in Journalism with my concentration in Public Relations. I figured I could go into music management and promotions. I had a few friends that were in bands and I wanted to help them out, but again, I never felt like I had a good handle on how to really get the ball rolling. Plus, I hate to admit it, but I was a little lazy about the whole thing as well. I just wanted to be done with school and I just wanted to get a job, I didn’t seriously focus on things the way that I should have. After graduating in 2005, I’ve kind of “flitted” around, as my dad likes to tell me, from job to job thinking that this is what I want to do and then I get bored and move on. I certainly was never passionate about any of them, except when I worked at the Zoo, but that quickly fizzled when I realized it wasn’t a right fit for me either. One good thing that came from working at the Zoo was that I got to start writing again. It felt good to have something of my own again, something that I was good at doing and have people tell me they appreciated my writing. So that made the gears in my head start turning again. I decided that I wasn’t too old to follow dreams. I pulled out my old portfolio and started looking at working at a public relations firm again. I didn’t get the job, but it made me realize that I needed more in my life. I needed to be doing something that I enjoyed like writing.

I like to say that for me, my life truly began the year I turned 30. Yes, I had a lot of fun during my 20s and did a lot of things and met a lot of people, but I was never truly happy. I realize now that a lot of it had to do with my attitude. Right before my 29th birthday, I did have a meltdown and start freaking out that I was basically a loser that was never going to do anything with their life. Thirty came and went and still nothing changed overnight and my life wasn’t miraculously better, in fact I was the worst I’d been in years. Then I received a sign from a higher power in the form of a car accident, one that I certainly didn’t need to have happen at that point but it made me realize a few things. First, it made me realize that I was lucky to be alive because had I been hit on the driver’s side, I could have seriously been injured. It also made me realize that it was time to make some changes in my life because working two jobs that I hated wasn’t working. I never saw my friends, I was lonely, miserable and broke and had no life whatsoever. Slowly, things started to change. I decided I needed to find something better career wise that would have a future. I wasn’t sure what that was, but I knew I couldn’t stay at the Zoo anymore. I started a new job in July working for a legal staffing firm. Is it my dream job? Maybe not, but it has a future in something that keeps showing up in my life which is recruiting. I have a great boss and some pretty awesome co-workers and that helps too. My attitude has done a complete 180 I think. I am so thankful for so much. Yes, I still have struggles, but I’m dealing with life’s hiccups much better these days and I feel so much better about everything and I’m so much happier. So I decided to start writing more and submersing myself into music more and it is making me think of what else I’d like to do. I want this blog to become something great. I don’t want it to just be stories about me, but also reviews of shows and albums and information about up and coming music and artists. My dad is so wise. He made me realize during a conversation a few weeks ago that I don’t have to live in London to make videos. It was a total "duh" moment. So in addition to this blog and getting out and enjoying life more that I can also get more involved in music here in Houston. There are bands here that I know and could definitely start helping them out whenever possible. There is also a new record label here in town that I’m hoping to get involved with somehow. I am going to follow my passion because otherwise what do I have in life? I’ve been thinking a lot again about moving to New York City. One reason is to be closer to my cousin, but another reason is the feeling I get while there and the fact that music protrudes itself from just about every vessel in that city that I want to be a part of it. The company I work for now has an office there and although it is not fully staffed at the moment, I have mentioned to my boss that I would be interested in going there should the opportunity ever arise. I don’t know that I’d live there forever, but I don’t want to look back and say that I was too scared to go after something that I wanted. I still dream about making a documentary about my favorite band, the Cure. I would even love to write a book about Robert Smith and Dave Gahan, the lead singer of Depeche Mode. And I still think about London on a regular basis; someday I’ll get to visit. So this is where I stand now. I’m laying down the foundation for pursuing my passions. I feel like life has just begun because now at 31 I know more about myself and what I truly want. I can’t wait to see where the journey takes me.